---------- X-Sun-Data-Type: default X-Sun-Data-Description: default X-Sun-Data-Name: Quotations X-Sun-Content-Lines: 222 When love is gone, there's always justice. And when justice is gone, there's always force. And when force is gone, there's always Mom. Hi, Mom! -- Laurie Anderson ----------------------------------------------------------- Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. ----------------------------------------------------------- "He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..." ----------------------------------------------------------- You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. ----------------------------------------------------------- Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first question that the computer community asks? "Is it PC compatible?" ----------------------------------------------------------- You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food ----------------------------------------------------------- Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. -- Bellamy Brooks ----------------------------------------------------------- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. ----------------------------------------------------------- Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. ----------------------------------------------------------- A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. ----------------------------------------------------------- Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. -- Wernher von Braun ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A: One per person. ----------------------------------------------------------- "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!" ----------------------------------------------------------- Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. -- Mark Twain ----------------------------------------------------------- Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. -- W. C. Fields ----------------------------------------------------------- A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. -- Ogden Nash ----------------------------------------------------------- Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. ----------------------------------------------------------- "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." ----------------------------------------------------------- "In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery ----------------------------------------------------------- Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. -- Elbert Hubbard ----------------------------------------------------------- "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." -- English Professor ----------------------------------------------------------- "He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes ..." ----------------------------------------------------------- There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" ----------------------------------------------------------- Rhode's Law: When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. ----------------------------------------------------------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. ----------------------------------------------------------- It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" ----------------------------------------------------------- Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. ----------------------------------------------------------- Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do. ----------------------------------------------------------- It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. -- Andrew Jackson ----------------------------------------------------------- QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") ----------------------------------------------------------- You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. ----------------------------------------------------------- DETERIORATA Go placidly amid the noise and waste, And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss -- and when. Remember that two wrongs never make a right, But that three do. Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, And despite the changing fortunes of time, There is always a big future in computer maintenance. You are a fluke of the universe ... You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, the universe Is laughing behind your back. -- National Lampoon ----------------------------------------------------------- Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today. Charlie Brown: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get better. ----------------------------------------------------------- Baruch's Observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. ----------------------------------------------------------- Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it. ----------------------------------------------------------- The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. ----------------------------------------------------------- Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it. ----------------------------------------------------------- He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. ----------------------------------------------------------- Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. -- Abraham Lincoln ----------------------------------------------------------- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. -- Swami X ----------------------------------------------------------- I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. ----------------------------------------------------------- "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." --English Professor, Ohio University ----------------------------------------------------------- There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. -- Mark Twain ----------------------------------------------------------- Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are. ----------------------------------------------------------- Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow. ----------------------------------------------------------- I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours. ----------------------------------------------------------- "If you have to hate, hate gently" ----------------------------------------------------------- Absence makes the heart go wander. ----------------------------------------------------------- "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -- Lily Tomlin ----------------------------------------------------------- "I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up." -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" ----------------------------------------------------------- A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. ----------------------------------------------------------- It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. ----------------------------------------------------------- Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. -- Mark Twain ----------------------------------------------------------- The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. -- George Bernard Shaw ----------------------------------------------------------- "Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" ----------------------------------------------------------- If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. -- Maslow ----------------------------------------------------------- Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. -- Dick Brandon ----------------------------------------------------------- "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." -- Ashleigh Brilliant ----------------------------------------------------------- I can resist anything but temptation. -----------------------------------------------------------