the real thing.....

A friend from slimebolix writes:

   forwarded from a mailing list at Symmbolics

   A friend from DEC writes...

   For those who need something to make you smile, read the following lines.

   Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

   Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

   The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man
   think. (apo mikro kai apo trello ...)

   Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

   The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

   To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out,
   and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.(akron awto the 
   taxuthtos sxedon)

   The process of turning steam back into water again is called

   A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

   The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

   The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

   To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a
   condominium. (kai ustera leei o Edwin Meeze oti oi kopelles menoun egkuoi 
   gia na pairnoun ta kratika epidomata)

   To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test
   tube. (nomizw st'agglika deacon shmainei diaconos. Apo ola auta 
   einai profanes oti proerxontai apo kaqoliko sxoleio)

   Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

   Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are
   talking about. (orismos ths metablhths h apoyh twn filologwn gia ta

   Geometry teaches us to bisex angles. (o Freud exei oloklhrh qewria gia
   tis parapraxeis, opws slips of the tongue klp)

   A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

   The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

   The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

   Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
   instead of the bull. (ti na pw!)

   An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that
   gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. (h anwmalia paei
   sunnefo. Apo tetoio sxoleio ti perimeneis!)

   We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by
   spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

   English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his

   By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired

   If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of

   Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
   them perspire.

   Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual
   manufactures another individual by accident.

   A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

   A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene

   Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

   A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so
   often in the winter.(buzantinos kalogeros einai;)

   The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

   When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

   It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.(edw uparxoun
   endeixeis ulistikhs epirrohs)

   Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes
   have more convulsions.

   For fainting:  rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above
   the hand instead. (auto SIGOURA einai auto pou lene se kaqolika sxoleia)

   For fractures:  to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and

   For dog bite:  put the dog away for several days.  If he has not
   recovered, then kill it.

   For nosebleed:  put the nose much lower than the body.

   For drowning:  climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
   artificial perspiration.

   To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

   For head colds:  use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your

   For snakebites:  bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.

   For asphyxiation:  apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. 

   Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
   affirmative or negative. (ti katalabainoun oi filologoi apo iatrikh)

   Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east
   and west poles.

   When water freezes you can walk on it.  That is what Christ did
   long ago in wintertime.(tetoia mono to Punch exei)

   When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

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The World According to Student Bloopers
             'The World According to Student Bloopers'      

                        by Richard Lederer

                         St. Paul's School

 (Spring 1987, Verbatim, The Language Quarterly, Vol. XIII, No. 4)

    The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in
the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.  The climate of the Sarah is
such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the
dessert are cultivated by irritation.  The Egyptians built the Pyramids in
the shape of a huge triangular cube.  The Pramids are a range of mountains
between France and Spain.

    The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of
the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  One
of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?"  God asked
Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Isaac, stole
his brother's birth mark.  Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve
sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it.  One of Jacob's sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

    Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.  Moses
led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread
made without any ingredients.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide
to get the ten commandments.  David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing
the liar.  He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times.  Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500

    Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic.  They also had
myths.  A myth is a female moth.  One myth says that the mother of
Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable.
Achilles appears in The Illiad, by Homer.  Homer also wrote the Oddity, in
which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

    Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice.  They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

    In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits
and threw the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.  The
government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their
own hands.  There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high
that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.
When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because
the Persians had more men.

    Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.  History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.  At Roman
banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair.  Julius Caesar
extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March
murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.  Nero was
a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle
to them.

    Then came the Middle Ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames, King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops
before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw,
and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.  Finally the
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same

    In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.  The greatest
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also
wrote literature.  Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow
through an apple while standing on his son's head.

    The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences.  He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated by a bull.  It was the painter Donatello's interest in the
female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.  It was an age of
great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg invented the Bible.  Sir
Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.  Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

    The government of England was a limited mockery.  Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.  Queen Elizabeth
was the "Virgin Queen."  As a queen she was a success.  When Elizabeth
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah."  Then her
navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

    The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and
errors.  In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.  In another, Lady
Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his
manhood.  Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.  Writing at
the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.  He wrote Donkey Hote.
The next great author was John Milton.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost.  Then
his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

    During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.  Later, the
Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress.  When
they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came
down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.  The Indian squabs
carried porpoises on their back.  Many of the Indian heroes were killed,
along with their cabooses which proved very fatal to them.  The winter of
1620 was a hard one for the settlers.  Many people died and many babies
were born.  Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

    One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks
in their tea.  Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the
post without stamps.  During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was
throwing balls over stone walls.  The dogs were barking and the peacocks
were crowing.  Finally, The colonists won the War and no longer had to pay
for taxis.

    Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress.  Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence.  Franklin had gone to Boston
carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.
He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse
divided against itself cannot stand."  Franklin died in 1790 and is still

    George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country.  Then the Constitution of the United States was
adopted to secure domestic hostility.  Under the Constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

    Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands.  When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.  He
said, "In onion there is strength."  Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg
Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an
envelope.  He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes
citizenship.  But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the
ex-Negroes and other innocent victims.  It claimed it represented law and
odor.  On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.  The
believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.

    Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.  Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.  Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when
the apples are falling off the trees.

    Bach was the most famous composer in the world. and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.  He was very
large.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.  Beethoven wrote music even
though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.

    France was in a very serious state.  The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened.  The Marseillaise was the theme song of
the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During the
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their
shoes.  Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at
Napoleon's flanks.  Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very
tense and unrestrained.  He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since
Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

    The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen Victoria was the longest
queen.  She sat on a thorn for 63 years.  Her reclining years and finally
the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality.  Her death
was the final event which ended her reign.

    The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts.  The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up.  Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the
work of a hundred men.  Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy.  Louis
Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.  Charles Darwin was a naturalist who
wrote the Organ of the Species.  Madman Curie discovered radium.  And Karl
Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

    The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

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Funny Answers to Science Tests

Name a pollutant and its source:
Weels from a motorway.

Is crude oil pure or a mixture?
Pure, because its on its own.
Pure, because it is nateral.

Why will this nail rust?
If air get to a nail it will go rusty because air is really water.
If drying agent fell from the sky it would crush your car, not rust it!!!!

What is meant by "endangered species"?
It is soon to be killed off.
It means that it is dangerous.

When the [cooling] experiment was repeated with thicker glass flasks, cooling took longer. Why?
Because the heat had to conduct itself through a much thicker distance, which took a lot longer.

Where do you find the colours of a spectrum?
In a Rambow.

[On digestion] What is the reaction between acids and antacids called?

Why does it take longer to cook a potato on top of a mountain?
Because the potato is at least 1000 feet above the ground.
It takes longer because of convection. It has to rise all the way up, and this takes some time.

What is the unit of resistance?
Homes (H).

The journey from Preston to Carlisle to Preston always takes longer than the journey from Preston to Carlisle. Suggest why this is so.
The train driver would be tired.

Explain the conservation of momentum, and how it applies to a space rocket.
The conservation of momentum means the conservation of force at which the rocket is propelled into the atmosphere. This is important to consider when considering rocket propulsion and collision (!) as too much momentum could result quite seriously.

[On crude oil] What non-energy uses are there for oil?

Describe the function of the cell membrane.
It keeps the cell warm.

How is eye colour etc. passed on to the next generation?
The jeans (not Levis).

Describe how the egg cell is specialised.
The egg is round so it is easier to get down the tube, because if it was square there would be a problem.

What should medical workers wear when dealing with accidents involving large amounts of blood?
The should wear gloves and a suit.

A car is able to move, and can perform 3 life processes. What are they?
Speak (hooter).
Gets old.

There are three life processes that a car cannot carry out, so it cannot be a living thing. Which processes does a car not carry out?
Jump in the air.

[On periscopes] How do the two mirrors make it work?
The objects goes into the top mirror. It then gets reflected into the second one
Your eyes hit the mirror.

[On a valley flooded by a dam] Give two problems that the rabbits might have after they have moved.
They might not be able to get a good water supply, or an open space for them to play.

Describe changes in the weather which could lead to a decrease in evaporation from oceans.
There could be a drought, so there wouldn't be any water in the oceans to evaporate.

What liquid goes round the body?
Liquid nitrogen.
Sodium hydrogen carbonate.

Why can camels walk on sand better than horses?
Because camels have flat, webbed feet.

From a given list of ingredients [for a fizzy drink], give an example of ingredients that are normally solid, liquid and gas.
Solid - Cheese
Liquid - Milk
Gas - Air.

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